Evaluation of Student Essay on Charles Perkins

Criteria for Evaluation

1. Grammar and Writing Style

   • Clarity of expression, sentence structure, and overall coherence.
   • Use of appropriate academic language for Year 10.

2. Factual Correctness

   • Accurate representation of historical events, dates, and people.
   • Correct definitions of key terms.

3. Mathematical Calculations (if applicable)

   • Presence of calculations or statistical data.

4. Plagiarism

   • Originality of content and ideas.

5. Correspondence to Topic

   • Relevance to the specific focus on 'Changing Rights and Freedoms' in NSW Stage 5 History.

Essay Evaluation

Positives

• Content Knowledge: The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of Charles Perkins' impact on Aboriginal rights and freedoms, particularly highlighting his role in the 1965 Freedom Ride and the 1967 Referendum.
• Structure: The essay is well-organized, following a logical flow that outlines Perkins' life, activism, and legacy.
• Engagement with Topic: The connection made between Perkins' actions and the broader context of Aboriginal rights effectively addresses the topic.

Areas for Improvement

1. Grammar and Writing Style:

   • Minor grammatical errors, such as inconsistent use of apostrophes (e.g., "Perkin’s" should be "Perkins'").
   • The phrase "Perkins never stopped.." should have only one period at the end.
   • There are occasional awkward sentence constructions that may hinder clarity.

2. Factual Correctness:

   • The essay incorrectly states that Perkins was the "first Aboriginal person to graduate with a university degree." While he was the first Indigenous student at the University of Sydney to graduate, prior Indigenous Australians had graduated from other universities, such as the University of Melbourne.
   • The Freedom Ride took place in February 1965, which should be explicitly stated for correctness.
   • There is a lack of specific dates for events that would strengthen the timeline of Perkins' activism and achievements.

3. Citations and Plagiarism:

   • There are no citations for where information was obtained, which is crucial in an academic setting. It would strengthen the essay's credibility.

4. Development of Ideas:

   • Expand on the implications of Perkins’ activism on contemporary Aboriginal rights and how they have evolved since his time.
   • More detailed examples of the specific changes Perkins advocated for and their impacts would enhance depth.

5. Math and Statistical Data:

   • While not explicitly required, including data or statistics on the effects of the 1967 Referendum or other relevant metrics could provide a more comprehensive analysis.

Overall Mark:

B (70% - 79%) - The essay is informative and well-structured but needs improved accuracy in factual details and thorough proofreading.

Tips for Improvement

• Proofread: Always check your writing for grammatical errors or awkward phrasings.
• Cite Sources: Include citations to substantiate claims and enhance credibility.
• Fact-Check: Verify all dates and historical facts to ensure accuracy.
• Expand on Ideas: Elaborate on key points, providing more detailed explanations and examples for better clarity and depth.
• Engage with Contemporary Context: Consider the lasting impact of historical figures on current events for a richer discussion.

Conclusion

The essay on Charles Perkins offers valuable insights into an essential figure in Australian history. By addressing the areas for improvement and following the tips provided, the student can enhance their writing and provide a more thorough and polished piece of academic work in future assessments.