The introduction sets an engaging tone, drawing the reader into the emotional and physical turmoil faced by boxers. However, it could benefit from clearer delineation of purpose regarding the main argument against boxing and the overall structure of the speech.
Injury Statistics: The claim that "8 in 10 boxers have experienced injuries" lacks citation. It is crucial to reference credible studies or statistics. The reference to "a study from Cambridge University" would be stronger with a specific study name, year, and relevant context.
Moral Concern: The argument presents a moral standpoint effectively but should expand on the ethical implications of allowing such a sport to continue. A more detailed discussion on the moral responsibilities of governing bodies in sports would enhance the argument.
Mental Stress: The mention of continuous stress faced by boxers is valid; however, including psychological data or studies on depression and anxiety in athletes could strengthen this claim. Additionally, more recent research may provide better contextual support.
Cultural Impact: The argument about the influence of boxing on youth is compelling but needs empirical evidence or studies demonstrating how media portrayal shapes perceptions of violence in sports.
The conclusion effectively summarises the points made but could have included a call to action that suggests specific steps or measures to advocate for banning boxing. Engaging the audience inquiring how they might participate in this cause could be more effective.
The essay employs a passionate and persuasive writing style, appropriate for a Year 11 audience. However, several sentences are overly complex and could be simplified for clarity. For example, the phrase “we are constructing a dangerous representation of sport via the media” could be simplified to enhance reader understanding.
The essay is generally well-written, with few grammatical errors. However, there are some instances of awkward phrasing that could be refined, such as "we are correspondingly encouraging violence in society."
The lack of citations raises concerns about the originality of the statistics mentioned. Even if based on factual information, attributions are necessary.
The terminology used is appropriate, but definitions of significant terms like "violence" and "sport" could be clearer to ensure reader comprehension.
Overall, considering the outlined criteria, the essay can be evaluated on a scale from 1 to 10:
By addressing these points, the student can significantly improve the effectiveness of their argument and the clarity of their writing.