Evaluation of Student Essay

Criteria for Evaluation

1. Grammar and Syntax: The essay should be free from grammatical errors and sentence structure issues.
2. Factual Correctness: Ensuring all statements, especially regarding events, dates, and statistics, are accurate.
3. Writing Style: Assessment of the tone and coherence of the writing, including use of academic language appropriate for Year 11.
4. Plagiarism: Determining originality and ensuring there are no uncredited sources.
5. Relevance to Topic: The essay must stay focused on physical education topics and address them meaningfully.
6. Mathematical Calculations and Definitions: Any calculations, terms, or definitions should be accurate and appropriately used.
7. Cohesion and Structure: Logical flow and organization of the essay, including paragraphs and transitions.

Essay Evaluation

1. Grammar and Syntax

• The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as:
  • "muscle-strengthening" should be "muscle strengthening."
  • "this had been the most common reoccurring form" is awkward and should say "this is the most common recurring form."
  • "this type of physical activity" should preferably refer to "powerlifting" after first use for clarity.
• Sentence structure is at times convoluted. For example, "This would later contribute to me being able to participate in physical activity, as with the guidance of my family I was able to stay healthy" could be simplified for clarity.

Score: 6/10

2. Factual Correctness

• The essay states that powerlifting had not been a major activity at the school until recent years, yet does not provide specific dates or comparisons to other activities. This generalization might not hold up under scrutiny.
• The mention of specific fees associated with competitions lacks quantification and could mislead readers about the nature of participation costs.

Score: 7/10

3. Writing Style

• The essay shows a personal experience narrative style, which is appropriate for a physical education essay. However, it often lacks formal wording, which is usually expected in academic writing. Phrases like "to support my family" can be interpreted as anecdotal rather than analytical.

Score: 6/10

4. Plagiarism

• There are no indicators of plagiarism from commonly known sources within the text. The personal nature of the narrative suggests originality.

Score: 10/10

5. Relevance to Topic

• While the essay is centered around physical activity, there are segments where the focus strays to topics like media influence and gender inclusion that, while relevant, could benefit from more direct ties to physical education principles, such as fitness, health, and teamwork.

Score: 7/10

6. Mathematical Calculations and Definitions

• The essay refers to the activity "Mathex," which combines math and physical activity but does not clarify how it pertains to physical education specifically. Definitions are generally vague and would benefit from additional context.

Score: 6/10

7. Cohesion and Structure

• The essay lacks clear transitions between paragraphs and some points appear disjointed, such as the leap from family support to discussing money in powerlifting. A stronger thesis statement and topic sentences could enhance structural coherence.

Score: 5/10

Overall Evaluation

• Total Score: 41/70
• Percentage: 58.57%

Comments

The student shows a reasonable grasp of personal experiences related to physical activity, particularly powerlifting. However, significant improvements could be made in grammar, structure, and factual precision. Future revisions should focus on creating clearer arguments, providing specific evidence and dates, and using more formal academic language. Revising for clarity and coherence, as well as ensuring all statements align with current physical education standards and definitions, would greatly enhance the essay's effectiveness.